What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
You Might Also Like
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.