I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
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As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
WHO DID THIS?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.