Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
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If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
*mops up wine with cat*
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
british sex workers really pound for pound
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets