Computer: shutting down
Me: same
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”