“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
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I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
And then there were 4
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Maths meets science
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”