Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
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*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Me too 😆
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean