*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
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When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
I’m already scared
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone