Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
You Might Also Like
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
They got Raph!
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.