bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
LA today: