me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
never ask a starfish for directions
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!