Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
You Might Also Like
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.