i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
You Might Also Like
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
Breaking news:
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
O Wise One….
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!