Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
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“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Happy Caturday!
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.