I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
🌱🌱🌱
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT