common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
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WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that