Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back