if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
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Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Rambo Rambow
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life