She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
how to market bottled water to dads
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.