My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
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Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
just having fun
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway