Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
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30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.