The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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channeling her this year
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious