Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
what it’s like dating me:
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
I would move hell over six inches for you
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.