If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
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-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.