interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Reporter: *ports again*
#oldknees
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.