I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Unimpressed
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…