Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
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My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev