[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
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Try Facebook.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.