Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
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Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.