If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Chemical wingman
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?