My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I’m listening
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.