“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
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My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Strangers have the best candy.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.