Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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Jurassic park gets weird
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
beware of dog
(jukin media)