Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
my retirement plan is braless
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no