One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.