i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
back to work
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Meanwhile in Portland…
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??