Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving