Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
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doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Noah
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter