[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
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The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.