Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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Cheers Twitter.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened