Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
meanwhile over on facebook
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.