If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
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Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.