HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
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Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
the rocks need my help
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.