Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
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Beauty and the Beast
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
every single time
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe