I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
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Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.