My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
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I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE