9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
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I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Somewhere in an alternate universe
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Cheer up.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this