[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
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The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.