You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
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Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.