“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
The little toadstool has spoken.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..