If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
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i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no